You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
