Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
