She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
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i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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