New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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