this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
