i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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