and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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