You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
