I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
