I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We're too hungover to prance.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
