Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
