why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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