I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
