grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
