Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
