I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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