Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
