Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
