Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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