True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
