I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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