I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
