Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
