I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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