I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
