he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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