OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
