Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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