Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
tell me about the eggs
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
