I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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