I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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