I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
