Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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