im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
