I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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