I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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