I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize