so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
