I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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