Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
