For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
