he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i love accidental penises.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
