I hate all girls vehemently.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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