I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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