haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
