I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
