she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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