my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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