just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
