the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?