I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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