i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
