the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
