I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
