her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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