this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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