WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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